I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
