i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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