Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I need mimosas to revive my soul
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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