Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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