so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
