I'm jealous of your bromance
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
