everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
