I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
the day after is always just damage control
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
