I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
soo... how was my night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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