Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
