Your mouth is God's brothel.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
