We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
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Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
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We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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