At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
