My sheets look like a crime scene.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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