I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
