I just made out with a guy for $7.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
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