I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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