Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just google imaged poop.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
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I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
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Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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