my room smells like sperm. sweet.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he fucked my hip out of place.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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