he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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