I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
