fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
