Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
