After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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