Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
