well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
