Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
