My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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