I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
