the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
