You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
