According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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