Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
