I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
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I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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