i just google imaged poop.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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