He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
