what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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