I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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