I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
