It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
