youre lurking in front of me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
