chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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