i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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