either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
