Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
