Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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