I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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