saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She bit a glass in half.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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