i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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