alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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