I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
