I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
