remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
