Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
my liver is dry heaving
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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