I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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