He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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