I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Cover your peen. We're going out.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
