He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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