sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
